Stagnation

I have been writing too many papers for school. Dry, drab, fill in the blank, memorize and regurgitate, form style papers have sucked all semblance of imagination and creativity from my writing. I try to write an interesting post for my blog, or to write poetry, or to work on other storytelling, and I hit a giant black hole in my head. I have ideas, but they can’t beat the gravitational pull of the Black Hole called School and burst out. The forest of my imagination is locked in a state of always winter but never Christmas. I start down a new literary trail and lose the path to the weeds that inhabit my life. I have too many distractions around to write coherently. Coursework, reading books for classes, cleaning the apartment, wanting to organize all my stuff, and a few other things suck up all my time and ambition for fun things like writing and daydreaming. My daydreams have been uninspired lately, and only in sleep to I find the escape my imagination desires. I think the increased number of strange, but strangely mundane, dreams I’ve been having reflect this boring normalcy and stagnation my life has fallen into lately.

This is not to say that I haven’t been having fun. On the contrary, I’ve been active physically with all the running and rollerblading and rugby (the three R’s) as well as climbing and walking. I’ve been hanging out with friends too. This past weekend Erin and Lance were married, and it was a beautiful ceremony, a great time, and a fun weekend. I saw so many people I knew, and we were all in the same place at the same time…I have a picture to prove it, which I’ll post sometime soon (read when I get all the pictures off my camera and onto my computer, when it cools down enough outside that I can bear turning my computer on in the first place). When I have some wedding pictures downloaded, I’ll talk more about that…hopefully sometime this week. I have fun, I enjoy myself. I am in no way depressed or despondent. I am just without inspiration. I need a muse. I can sit here and imagine great things, inspiring things, wonderful things. There are funny things I could write about, stories I’ve made up and dreams I have had. I just don’t. I think I have to get back into journaling. I haven’t since I got back from New Zealand. And the kind of journaling I was doing in NZ and in my other ‘home’ journal were more of the telling details sort rather than the free association or storytelling type. Maybe I need two journals? How many places should one have to record their musings, life happenings, etc. I think I’m too much the engineer and need to compartmentalize everything. I can’t have one journal that I write everything in because then I couldn’t find something easily. I want to have one for musings, and one for personal shit, and one for daily life happenings. I am like the ‘My Documents’ folder with 10 little folders inside it, and another 10 in each of those. I’m so bogged down by my compartments that I can’t find those things I used to hold most dear.

I also have no idea where this post came from. Originally it was going to be a recounting of the weekend, until I realized that all I’ve been doing on my blog lately is retelling my life. I had wanted to use this space for that too, but also for random postings like this one, or poetry, or whatever. Maybe I don’t know what I wanted to do with it and that was the problem. Or maybe I knew what I wanted to do with it, but never made a strong enough decision to do just that. I am pretty indecisive sometimes. This post is a good start, for all its rambling and incoherence. I didn’t create Whimsical Doodles to be a place of publishable final drafts. This is a place for shitty first drafts, for ungrammatically correct postings, and for random details. Ok, I think I can stop my free association into the whither-tos and why-fors my journaling has gone astray. Maybe I should take a few creative writing classes. I not sure if that would help. I need an impetus to begin writing what I want to write again, and in the style I know I’m capable of. Writing about writing it isn’t going to get it done. I feel like I’m losing my control over the English language and the basic skills I was so good at in high school and the first few years of college.

That being said, it’s time to wrap up this post and go do something about everything I’ve written here. Though, I’ll have to put it off a bit, as I have other things to do first (hm, I’m a procrastinator too…and I’m already making excuses). Seriously though, my brother and his girlfriend are coming to visit and I have to make ready my abode.